Eat Lobster, Wear Orange

Season’s Greetings Everyone!
I haven’t been voted off the island. I haven’t been captured by a band of pirates. I haven’t run off with a young lobsterman to an island more remote than my own…yet. I have, however, survived yet another deer season on the island. This period of time, from Nov. 1st to Dec. 12th, will double as my excuse for not updating and serve as a topic for this email…

When a member of a 67 person community (we lost a few this year), people usually notice when you get a new pair of jeans, switch your deodorant scent or change your hair conditioner. This fishbowl living gets to me at times and this year I was particularly looking forward to deer hunting season… When the deer would be in the spotlight and not me! Well, I was wrong…

In addition to wearing orange at all times, make sure to follow these guidlines:
-Double check to make sure that no toilet paper or tissue is stuck to your clothing. Such adornments will certainly result in you getting shot.

-Don’t wear granny panties. You know, the high waisted, full coverage, comfortable kind that will result in ridicule if ever discovered by your friends. Though often perfect for jogging due to the fact that they won’t give you a wedgie, they can be life threatening. You are a goner if the waist-line happens to ride up and become visible…and it will ride up. Heed warning!

-If you have to relieve yourself outside, make sure to look up in the trees for humans- especially crusty old men. They will be wearing camouflage and toting firearms, so really look hard and double-check. Though far-sighted and colorblind, the last thing you want is old Wilbur spreading rumors about you and “That time when….”

-Never wear headphones while peeing. I dropped my drawers the other night on a run and if I hadn’t heard that buck snort, I believe with all my might that he would have attempted to mount me…a chapter that my self-defense class disappointingly skipped over.

-Do not, under any circumstances, try and gather apples on all-fours. Who cares if they are an extremely hearty variety that will store in the basement through February, this is your life we are talking about! If it is deer season- don’t even think about it! The same also applies for crab-walking, be it leisurely or competitively.

Despite following some of the above warnings and finding out the hard way about others, I was physically hit by a doe on the last day of hunting season- December 12th, 2009- in broad daylight. She was spooked while feasting in a garden and after dodging left/dodging right, we collided. For a split second, I thought- quick! Ride her!...As if she was some sort of magical creature who would crown me queen of the deer kingdom. We both limped away with a few bruises and it only took one witness to, once again, make me the talk of the town. I still haven't lived down the motorcycle stunt, but being the talk of the town this time is a little worse thanks to the Mainer accent, where women and children are affectionately referred to as "Dear" (pronounced Dee-ahh). Even if someone didn't know about the collision, all they have to do is call me "Dee-ah" (which is inevitable) and without skipping a beat, someone in-the-know will fill them in.

Happy New Year, Everyone!