Prawning Llama:

Ever see a 7 foot tall, 300 pound animal hopping around like a bunny rabbit in a fit of rage? How about if this animal looked like two men wearing a funky horse suit? Well, this was the sight I saw when Pumpernickel the rescue llama was being sheared for the first time of her life and broke free. It was one of those terrifying situations in my life that had me soundlessly screaming at the top of my lungs while Pumpernickel “prawned” after me... I was in a dead sprint for the other side of the pen and successfully hopped the fence like a rodeo clown.

Did you know that llamas are great guard animals for goats? That was the second most important fact I learned while at a goat workshop in rural Maine a few weekends ago, second only to the sexual habits of goats...

Male, or “Billy” goats are gross. They smell like dank urine because they pee on their beards, thinking that it will increase their appeal with female goats. For a human comparable, I think their strategy is about as successful as the effects of Axe body spray on women. Not going to work. Ever. No matter the advertising (And please respond if you feel as if you 1.) have had success with Axe or 2.) have been reeled in by it).

Despite this goat’s shameful behavior, I continue to watch him because he’s sort of funny and this young farmer guy from New Hampshire next to me strikes up a conversation. My eyes are still on the billy goat and though this man is talking to me, I’m not really listening due to being in a daydream state. “The only time female goats are interested in men is when they are in heat,” he said. “They’ll take a young or inexperienced billy and show him what to do, often not letting him eat, drink or rest for days.”

At about this time, I snap out of my daydream to the reality that this man’s hand is clasping my arm. “The male’s only job is to satisfy the female, and sometimes he dies trying.” Suddenly, the reproductive habits of goats became the reproductive habits of “goats” and I found myself throwing my arms up in an exclamation of “Lunch Time!” The instructor was cut off mid-sentence in whatever she was talking about, but humored my sentiments and we broke for lunch.

Claiming that I left my lunch in the truck, I got in and drove far far away.

The end