The Case of the Phantom Defecator

Hello Everyone,

Over the past month, this island has been in complete pandemonium. Gossip, back stabbing, people threatening lawsuits, familial fights, resignations, the list goes on and on... and at the bottom is where I’ll begin.

The Town government is run by the “Board of Selectmen,” an old-timey form of government consisting of three people who basically run the town. One of the Selectmen is a retired Naval commander with an intense Mainer accent, clipped enunciation and unbearably evil personality. Every meeting, he embarks on a very long monologue about some citizen of the month who has done something wrong or caused a stir. I’ve been the topic for half of the September 2009 and the entire February 2010 diatribe...but I’m not going into that. Usually these speeches make people’s eyeballs roll back in their heads and you can hear audible grunts from the audience, but last month’s monologue had people on the edges of their seats...

(The following is paraphrased, but damn close)
“I’d like to be granted approval for the installation of video cameras on my island.” He starts (he lives on an island other than my own). “Yesterday, I got in my truck to go get my morning coffee down at the store and when I turned on the windshield wipers to remove the dew, I noticed a large pile of human feces heaped on the hood. I immediately got out to inspect and on either side of this pile of excrement were two indentations, from feet. Somebody had squatted on the hood of my truck and taken a shit. I would like immediate permission to install video recording devices and I am offering a 500 dollar reward for any evidence or testimonials incriminating this Phantom Defecator! I have received information that on the evening of this crime, a person was seen driving recklessly in a golf cart wearing a cape and a batman mask. ”

From my chair in the back of the room, despite all the restraint I could muster, including plugging my nose, I emitted a squeak of laughter. Aggravated, the selectman looked directly at me from across the room and roared: “You seem to be finding this lewd act to be quite hilarious. Perhaps you had something to do with it?”

I felt like I was in 7th grade again getting verbally abused by my math teacher, Mr. Cash. But before I had a chance to say anything, a man in front of me stood up and said: “I bought a gallon of raspberries from her last week and she remarked to me that she must have eaten a whole quart of them while picking. With all do respect, Sir, did the poo look like cat scat or bear scat (cat scat has bone fragments and hair while bear scat contains seeds and berries)? From what you have just said, the guilty person is either a batman or a catwoman. She (pointing at me) eats far too many berries to be Catwoman! He then sat down, turned around, and winked at me.

No, I was not the “Phantom Defecator” and had the town approved the installation of video cameras that day, they might have caught the perpetrator taking me out to lunch after the meeting. Though I might be full of seeds, the man in front of me was the one full of shit, or should I say- no longer so full.