Ms. Aloozer

I had the recent opportunity to be a substitute k-3 teacher and PE teacher for the two-room schoolhouse on the island. My work with the school often surrounds curriculum development, so this was the first time for me to have all-day interactions with the kids. As the PE teacher, I had to come up with activities to fill an entire hour for the older kids and the same for the younger kids. The older kids were easy, we just played soccer for the entire hour. I played in college, so it was a grueling hour of 3 versus 1 for the most part. The two boys in the class were totally into it and have since asked if I could help them to schedule a "world cup" soccer game between them and other community members. They want me to train them so they can really be good...

The younger kids were another story. After 30 minutes of playing freeze-tag, octopus and jump the creek, I tried to play soccer with them. This was a total disaster. One girl bit her brother because he was being a ball hog and I had to put her in time out on the picnic table for 4 minutes. After 2 minutes, I look over and she is lying on her stomach, head on her arms, and noticeably sobbing. I called a time-out and went to try and make things right with her. When I got there, she looks at me with tears in her eyes and says: "Ms. Eliza, I have a deep-dark secret to tell you!... I'll NEVER be good at soccer!" Oh, the humanity! As I was trying to comfort her, another fight broke out between the two remaining kindergartners (a boy and a girl). "Leave me alone! I need alone time!" proclaimed the girl, and stormed off to have personal time. Thankfully, PE was over so I went to gather the girl and she tells me: "I was supposed to marry him today, and I just don't think I can now! What he did cannot be forgiven!" This unforgiving act was that he scored a goal and she was goalie...they were on the same team.

Lunchtime followed PE and I went home to eat. When I came back to the school, one of the kindergartners was sitting in the hallway and greeted me with: "Hello Ms. Aloozer." It took everything I had to suppress laughing out loud and I told her that it was not nice to call people names. I then went and got the middle school teacher, otherwise known as the disciplinarian. The little girl apologized to me and she has since refrained from calling me anymore names. Whew, I have a new found appreciation for those who work all day with kids! Unfortunately, I also have a new nickname...

Common Ground Fair: Sheep Edition

Last September, I spent an entire 3 day weekend at the Common Ground Fair. This was the best fair I ever attended and it is no discount that this was actually my only fair experience to date. What makes the Common Ground Fair so great is the fact that it focuses on sustainable agriculture, homesteading, and anything back-to-the-land you can think of. I attended workshops on apple orchards, peach trees, edible landscapes, sheep and composting. Without a doubt, I got the most out of the sheep workshop...

Sheep: While wondering around from session to session, I saw a farmer talking to a group of people by a barn. He had a sheep up on a platform and was shearing some wool out of her eyes. As I passed by, something the farmer said piqued my attention..."rectal prolapse." Given the fact that my maturity levels will never venture past the age of 16, I stopped dead in my tracks to listen. Come to find out, a "rectal prolapse" is a rare genetic disorder found in 1 out of 1,000 sheep (or so) where, basically, the intestines fall out the rear-end.  The following conversation ensued:

Me: "*Gasp!* Why does this happen, Sir?"  

Farmer: (Seriously) "Sometimes a sneeze is all it takes."

Me: "What!?! A sneeze!? How do you handle that?"

Farmer: "Well dear (dee-ah), a bullet is how you handle that." 

This got me thinking, would such a thing happen to humans? I'm going to go ahead and speculate that yes, this rare genetic disorder can and has happened before to some unlucky person. Relatedly, when a sea cucumber becomes frightened, it will spit out it's intestines as some sort of defense mechanism. This scare tactic, however menacing, would most certainly would work for humans: 

Robber: "Give me your wallet"

Victim: "Hatchoo"

Robber: What the?...Was that your?... Dude, keep your wallet- you've obviously got bigger problems than me.

Come to find out, the ewes get to look forward to other, more common, forms of prolapse- uteran and vaginal. By the time the farmer and I had entered into this branch of conversation, I looked around and noticed that I was the only one left in the group. Taking full advantage of the 1 on 1 time, I asked: "Well, how in the heck do you fix a uteran/vaginal prolapse?" He removed a ball of twine from his dusty jacket and wrapped it around the ewe like a harness, essentially cinching her buttocks closed. The ewe gave me a look as if the last of her personal freedoms had been taken and I couldn't help but to sympathize with her. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it would be to walk around with my butt permanently clenched...though, I have met a few people in this world who don't seem to mind it at all.